IT IS MADNESS!!

As many people know I have been on a Podcast called "That Witch Life" for over a year now and I love it. The experience has really brought me back to my own personal practice in a way that I haven't been in for over a decade. I have met incredible writers, authors, and fellow people on the path that I otherwise would never have interacted with or gotten to know through my association with our podcast. Like everyone else I am still learning. I have practiced now for almost 2 decades and have learned so much in that time, yet I still feel like a novice.

Currently I am one of millions of people in the world who are worried about how this virus will affect my family and the people I love. I can work from home, my husband can't so what happens with his job? My children may have to do online school, so I am now prepared for that. I have elderly loved ones that I am concerned with being exposed to this. Separate from these important issues I have two family members who very quickly needed to find new housing! I found myself recognizing that I was reaching a point of anxiety that I had reached two years prior that led to an anxiety attack that landed me in Urgent Care. I was completely unaware that I was in fact having a panic attack. As you can imagine someone who is as big of a control freak as me was not the least bit excited about this diagnosis.

So why is it that someone who has been practicing the craft for almost two decades, who is actively involved in a podcast talking to people about daily witchcraft practice trudging through all of this chaos, trauma and uncertainty NOT using her magick?  DAMMIT JANET!!! I had previously made a joke about being at my emotional limit for what I could deal with before I was hit with the news that two family members suddenly found themselves with separate housing issues. That's when I felt the familiar feeling that I had carried with me for so long and it pissed me off. I had to steady myself and realize that I was blessed in my own family's situation as we seemed to be fairing the difficulties well enough, and I was very limited to what I could do for my extended family who needed help. That is an incredibly difficult thing for me to accept. I want to fix things for everyone and make sure everyone I love is okay.

I felt that gnawing feeling of anxiety starting to take control and I went home after work and grabbed a pillar candle whose color appealed to me and I carved the shit out of it!. You name it, I carved it. All my hopes for resolutions for my loved ones went in, needs for them and things I hoped would come to fruition. Peaceful home oil I had was applied and I lit that thing praying over it as fast as I could. It provided me with a small sense of peace to contribute and try to soften the chaos. I know that the universe could handle things without all the confusion, swear words and madness. It's what I could do.

It helped but let's be real, life is a dumpster fire right now! An absolute shit show! Lighting my candle every night would bring me some momentary peace, however, it was relatively fleeting. So I did what we all do and called my best friend to bitch about it! Courtney reminded me that in addition to the spells I also needed to work on self care.  I needed to sit at my altar and just try to find peace. Venting to Brigid about everything I was holding and asking for help and strength.  News flash... guess who's terrible at self care... THIS GIRL!

I have at different points kept a blog to mindlessly rattle off the crazy that floats around in my head. With all the madness happening right now I felt like this may be a good time to pick it up again. If you are still reading this you are far too kind, but you are also welcome to join me in the madness and hopefully we can find some peace together as we weather the storms ahead.

~Kanani


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